5th ODI - Thrill of the fight

Sell everything you own and put that money on a HUGE South Africa win in tonight's final ODI match against England. I have such faith in the outcome that I'm even willing to risk your future financial security.

You see, it dawned on me that both sides have clearly been studying Rocky films, where the linguistically challenged boxer would swing a hay-maker for every punch, never offer anything in the way of defense and most crucially, would alternate between getting the shit kicked out of him and then wiping the floor with his opponent.

SA got slapped around last Sunday but we're heading into the final round. The strains of Eye of the Tiger are building. We all know where this is heading.

Take it to the bank. Thank me later.

Kallis Bowls Maiden Over

I was perusing the FHM 2010 calendar when my eyes were drawn away from breasts to the only thing that has the power to do so - the word "Kallis".

As it turns out, Miss January is Shamone Jardim, who is most famous for being the lucky girl that gets to snuggle up to Jacques on nights when Mark Boucher isn't available.

Accompanying her half naked photo was a brief interview and when asked if she had ever batted against Kallis, this is what she said.

I have! I once faced him in backyard cricket at a braai. He decided to bowl full pace at me with a tennis ball. He hit me on my toe. I dropped like a stone!*

This is why we need Jacques back in the team ASAP. If he's not even going to take his foot off the pedal for his model girlfriend then he's certainly not going to give anything less than 100% for The Proteas.

* It was hitting middle and off, as if you needed to ask.

AB wants your kids

Okay, yeah yeah, great knock today. The team were fantastic. England were awful. Blah blah.

Of far greater importance was the advert I saw after the game. AB, who has never met a product he wouldn't put his face on, showed off his awesome new Off The Wall Ball!

AB's pitch detailed the story of a young lad who had nobody to toss with...err...toss a ball with, who can now toss solo and sharpen his hand eye co-ordination.

But I have a couple concerns.

1 - This isn't a "ball"



2 - Talking about young boys, tossing and then throwing in that phallic shape is a little troubling.

3 - Even worse, surely the skill sharpening it fosters is less likely to produce a kid who is good at catching a cricket ball and more likely to produce one who is good at grabbing onto penises.

4 - The main feature of the ball is that it is designed to bounce off a wall and back towards you. Even better, the harder you throw it - the harder it will come back at you. I can't believe nobody ever thought of that before.

"SA Bowlers Are Crap", says Vaughan

I paraphrase, but that's the gist of it.

What he ACTUALLY said was:

"I thought to start with it was going to be a real tough trip but I'm quietly confident. I think we'll win. I also look at South Africa, and their bowling attack doesn't put the fear of life into me."

Here is a picture of Michael Vaughan at his most "fearless" against SA.

Panic!

Credit to England. Sunday's performance was almost German like in its efficiency and SA were definitely a bit below par in the batting and bowling departments...and lets face it, there aren't exactly a whole other departments that matter.

Parnell is back and will almost definitely play on Friday. Morne Morkel is also back in the squad. And so is prize knobhead, Herschelle Gibbs.

There's of course talk to Roloef has lost it. Albie can't hack it as a proper batsman (I loved how they finally had a chance to give the guy the opportunity to build an innings and they totally bottled it). Langeveldt isn't fit. Mclaren isn't quick enough.

I'm all for asking questions but Jesus, can we at least calm down till we play a second match? No? Okay, fuckit. Call up CJ De Villiers!

10 questions for SA - ENG

The first ODI is about to get underway and I thought I would post up the questions that this ODI series poses for the SA team.

1) Can Alviro Peterson contribute enough at number 5 to keep his place in the team and is he really a better option than someone like Justin Ontong, who is used to batting that low and can contribute with the ball as well?

2) If Alviro doesn't do enough, will they consider opening with Loots instead and just moving everyone else down a place?

3) Can Albie Morkel step up as a number 6 batsman and deliver more than 45-50 over cameos?

4) Is it wise to drop our two spinners approach that has served us so well for the past 12 months, simply because they struggled in one key game in the Champions Trophy?

5) And is Botha, the hero against Australia earlier this year, really the one who should be dropped?

6) Can Ryan Mclaren do enough in the first two games to keep Parnell out of the team when he becomes available for the 3rd ODI?

7) Will we even manage to get a game of cricket today with the weather looking bloody awful up in Joburg as we sweat our asses off here in Cape Town?

8) Will Trott and KP hum along to the words of the SA national anthem in their heads?

9) Will Darren rue his decision to do ten questions instead of a much more manageable six?

10) Can Kallis adopt his game to opening the...what am I saying, of course he can!

Kallis eats humble pie (no fat jokes edition)

Did I say eats? I meant Jacques Kallis IS humble pie.

When responding to Kevin Pietersen calling him "the greatest cricketer that has ever lived" (which sounds like I'm joking but its true and is probably the smartest thing that Kevin has ever uttered), Jacques had this to say:

"But you've got to look at the stats - sure, the runs might be there and the wickets might be there, but we're playing a lot more cricket these days than the guys in yesteryears. I'm sure that if they'd played the amount of cricket that we play today, they would have achieved what modern-day cricketers achieve as well.

"If you play long enough, you're going to have a few runs and wickets behind your name," he laughed.

Look, Jakes is a nice guy so he didn't want to admit the obvious. Luckily, I'm a dick so I have no problem revealing the truth of the matter.

Kallis would have smashed worked around the likes of Lillee, Hadlee, Barnes and Marshall to all corners of the ground.

Then he would have taken the ball and cartwheeled the off stump of Richards, dismissed Gavaskar LBW, induced the edge of Bradman and dived at second slip to catch a WG Grace shot. All in consecutive deliveries.

Cricket started the day I watched Kallis in his first game for Western Province and cricket ends the day Kallis hangs up...errr...puts down his bat.

That's just the honest objective truth of the matter.

This Man Is Now Your Problem, England

It's the early Christmas present I've always wanted! Robin Petersen is no longer eligible to play for South Africa!

Armed with a batting average of fuckall and a bowling average of shitloads, Robbie P has decided to persue options of a Kolpak contract.

The sad thing is that I should LOVE Robin. I love left handers because I'm a leftie. I love spin bowlers because I'm a spin bowler. I love middle order hitters because I drink beer. Unfortunately, Robbie was never really very good at any of those disciplines.

My favourite Robbie P memory is of Brian Lara carting him to all parts of the Wanderers for a world record 28 runs in one over in a test match. The sequence was 4, 6, 6, 4, 4, 4.

Robbie, please email me. roscoepalm@gmail.com. I'll pack your bags myself and carry you to the airport on my back with a big smile on my face.

There's only space for one Petersen in SA anyway. His name's Alviro.

Todays game was a bit like...

Stick Cricket come to life.

It seems almost a shame to break up the Bosman and Smith partnership for the ODI's.

Portly power hitting FTW.

What SA Batsmen See When Confronted With A D/L Chart

"Ah fuck it. Let's just knock the singles and let the chips fall where they may"

Good thinking

I was initially thrilled to hear that Albie Morkel would be moved up the order for South Africa and be considered as a batsman who can bowl (badly most of the time) a bit. There's no room in a team for a specialist "last 5 overs batsman".

The added bonus would be that Bouch would drop down where he belongs - number 7. A very good keeper with lots of experience in finishing games, that is the ideal spot for him.

Unfortunately, I happened to watch most of the game yesterday, in which Bouch came in at 4. 4!!!

Thankfully he floundered around for 18 and with Kallis and Duminy due back, he'll hopefully never bat that high again. There's absolutely nothing embarrassing about being a keeper and coming in at number 7, yet one feels that it can only be Boucher's seniority that keeps him coming in ahead of more viable candidates.

17 000

Today I got a score of 17000 on my favourite computer game. In as humble terms as I can muster, this is potentially the greatest achievement of the century thus far.

Sorry I have nothing to say about cricket. There's just nothing happening right now.

But fear not, South Africa play Zimbabwe this weekend. Finally some excitement!

40 Over Fix

Tonight the new local 40 over tournament has begun. 40 overs instead of 45! Powerplays around every corner! Extra batsman or bowler! Time outs! Half time strip tease by Brett Proctor!

What more could we ask for?

Apparently quite a lot, since there were more people watching Roscoe and I play street cricket with a tennis ball than there are in The Wanderers tonight.

The format is only half the battle. The other is the "give-a-shit-a-bility". During the Champions Trophy Roscoe told me, "It's great to finally give a shit about The Cobras again. And by the way, you're abs are tremendous, Darren."

Until they find a way to make the contest feel as though there is some drama and some stakes at play, they can mess around with the format all they want and it won't make any difference.

Stephen Cook becomes a man

Unfortunately, this story isn't about a young man remaining a virgin for far too long (for that story, wait for my autobiography). Instead, this is in acknowledgment of Stephen Cook's mammoth innings for The Lions this weekend.

Stephen batted for 838 minutes, which in more relate-able figures is 20 episodes of Dexter, facing 648 balls and managing 390 runs*.

That's the highest SA first class innings, absolutely smashing Cullinan's record of 337. It's also the 4th longest innings in first class cricket worldwide.

SA are looking for a test opener. Would it be too much of a knee jerk reaction to suggest we might have found one?

He's now experienced enough and his first class average of 39 and change is better than that of the heir apparent, Imraan Khan. Hmmm...

* Thami Tsolekile made 141 in the same innings. Make of that what you will.

Opener confusion

A few weeks back I think most felt that Prince would be given the chance to continue as an opener for SA in the upcoming test season. That was before taking to the position, for the Warriors, like a duck to lava.

He's now been dropped down the order and wouldn't you know it, his innings back in the middle order and he smashes a 150 against the Lions.

So where does that leave SA? Your guess is as good as mine. I see that Kallis is going to be given the job of opening in ODI's now. Would opening the batting in tests really be that wild of an idea?

Cobras vs Trinidad

The game is about to start and I'm genuinely excited about it. I just wish this could be the final. Twitter style updates as the match goes on...

- Christ balls! Gibbs is starting. Watch the bastard score a half century to try and make me look bad.

- Engelbrecht isn't playing. Pity, I was hoping to finally work out exactly what it is he does other than field like a Jonty Rhodes on crack.

- Cobras win toss and bat. Probably a good move but Trinidad do seem to chase particularly well.

- Gibbs helps the Cobras to 18 off the last powerplay over. What an ass!

- Gibbs should have been given out stumped but the cricket Gods intervened to remove his leg stump in the following over.

- Kleinveld vs Pollard. The battle of the happy meal champs.

- Kleinveld out but that little experiment worked out quite nicely. 180-200 is on the cards.

- Wow, great acrobatics on the boundary for Pollard. He chased down that ball like it was the last hamburger on earth.

- Duminy is pure class. I would literally have sex with him given the opportunity.

- Rampaul bowls an incredible final over to restrict Cobras to a decent 175. Will need to bowl out of our skins.

- Bloody hell, these guys can bat.

- Bloody hell, that was a stupid run to attempt.

- Henry just dropped the world cup. And gets a thumbs up from the bowler for his efforts. I think I would have used a different finger personally.

- And he drops another. Can't blame the guy, he probably just wanted another thumbs up.

- Ontong drops a sitter of his own. Someone give him a bloody thumbs down!

- Only Langeveldt can save the Cobras now.

- Well done Trinidad. I blame Gibbs.

Drop him

Enough is enough. 3 scores of nothing and pulling out of another game because his head wasn't right (when is it ever?) is all that Gibbs has had to show for the Cobras so far. Sure, we'll need some great hitting to overcome the fantastic Trinidad team in the semis, but Brand's fantastic cameo in the match against Victoria showed that he's no wilting flower with the bat in hand.

I'm so over Gibbs. And Hitler. They're both dead to me.

At what point do we get worried

As we mentioned before, Ashwell Prince is being groomed to open the batting for SA in tests this season. His debut for SA in that position against Australia was a huge success and at the start of this season he has taken to opening for his local team - Chevrolet Warriors. Smart move but so far its not exactly panning out. Prince's opening bat scores this season are as follows: 34, 0, 8, 1, 1

Not exactly very reassuring. There's still a long time time before the England test series begins but a few good scores from Imraan Khan might give the selectors something to think about.

CJ the real deal

Just witnessed the Eagles - Sussex game going down to the wire. Mclaren hit a 4 off the last ball to tie the game and send it to a Super Over. The champs league format is 6 balls with the team that can get the most runs off those 6 balls winning. However, if you lose 2 wickets then the "innings" is over.

So the Eagles bat first and they get a modest 9. Sussex come out to bat against CJ De Villiers. First ball of the over, off stump out the ground. Second ball of the over, off stump out the ground. Game over.

CJ is really becoming an amazing prospect. If he isn't in SA colours sooner rather than later, I'll shave Roscoe's head.

JP

99* off 52

Wow, what a knock. After the nerves in the field I didn't hold much hope in the Cobras, my home team, chasing down 181. Gibbs couldn't even rise to his usual level of "flatter to deceive", so the responsibility fell on JP Duminy's shoulders, and boy did he carry them over the line.

Having played key roles in South Africa's failure to get across the line in the T20 semi final and against England in the Champs Trophy, it was great to see him so in control and actually finish the job. Here's hoping that experience will be put to good use next time he's in the Proteas jersey.

South Africans can't look forward to Bopara

What a shame indeed. The test squad for England's upcoming tour to SA was announced today.

Andrew Strauss (Middlesex - captain), Alastair Cook (Essex - vice captain), James Anderson (Lancashire), Ian Bell (Warwickshire), Stuart Broad (Nottinghamshire), Paul Collingwood (Durham), Steven Davies (Surrey), Graham Onions (Durham), Kevin Pietersen (Hampshire), Liam Plunkett (Durham), Matt Prior (Sussex), Adil Rashid (Yorkshire), Ryan Sidebottom (Nottinghamshire), Graeme Swann (Nottinghamshire), Jonathan Trott (Warwickshire), Luke Wright (Sussex)

Seems a decent enough squad. Bopara certainly needs a break from the firing line. Little confused about Luke Wright though. His first class stats are very average indeed.

Can't say I'm too scared of this squad, which probably means they'll crush us. Life hates me.

Champions League is here

In case you tuned in late.

Ravi Shastri: Blah blah blah.

Captains appear and leave hand prints in molds.

Cobra's captain Puttick is booed.

Lalit Modi: Blah blah blah ESPN Coca Cola Hero Honda blah blah blah.

Now there are dancers and music and flags... its the opening ceremony that nobody wanted! Can someone tell me when the bloody cricket actually starts?

Prediction competition winner

Okay, hopefully I've calculated everything properly. The results of our prediction competition for the champions trophy goes a little something like this...

Alex - 0 pts (not entirely unexpected)

Kissmycricket - 12 pts (22 pts if you don't count the late penalty)

Ben - 22 pts (the pre-tournament favourites let Ben down)

Sean - 27 pts (nailed Ponting as top run scorer but otherwise struggled)

Skroegerj - 34 pts (got a run scorer and a top wicket taker but semi finalist predictions didn't go well)

Roscoe - 34 pts (same story for Roscoe, who was the only guy to get two of the top runs scorers)

Q - 49 pts (got 3/4 semi finalists, joint top with...)

Darren - 51 pts (...me. If I had picked the overall winner I would have walked it. *sob*)

Krish - 53 pts (3rd place and all top 3 got Australia as winner)

Shaun - 56 pts (the pride of the SA blogosphere and would have won overall if he had gotten more than 1 semi finalist right)

Brian - 65 pts (hail the king)


Thanks to everyone who took part. It was good fun and a better competition than the one we did for The Ashes. Can definitely still be improved upon though.

Will definitely work on fine tuning points allocation for the next one (T20 world cup?).

Australia win for a change

Sigh.

Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Australia have just won the ICC Champions Trophy against the plucky Kiwis. They are crowned champs having beaten the West Indies 3rd team, a Pakistan team that didn't need to win, and England team that craps itself at the sheer mention of having to face Oz in an ODI, and New Zealand...who are a solid team but certainly not a great one.

If I sound jealous its because I am.

For a few years now they've been in decline, as all South Africans will tell you, having hammered this team in the home and away ODI series' earlier this year. But now they are back on top of the rankings, have won the champs trophy and have spanked England.

It begs the question, are Australia once again a very strong ODI team?

Not so random thoughts on SA's exit

- Cricket South Africa punished the national team by moving all games away from The Wanderers. Is that the reason we lost? Absolutely not, but it didn't help.

- Combine that with only arranging one warm up game, against a poor West Indies side no less, CSA have to take a fair portion of any blame being thrown about.

- The runner for cramps argument has come up a lot. All I want is consistency. Either runners are always allowed or they are never allowed. Enough of this game by game whichever way the wind blows BS. If it stays as it is now, all Smith and other batsmen have learned is to LIE.

- Why do we always cramp? Smith, AB at the world cup, Gibbs on the sub continent a few years back. These are fit guys (well, Smith looks fit now). Sort it out.

- Albie Morkel is a batsman who can bowl a bit. He can be devastating at the death but given a chance, that could just be another bow in his quiver. Because right now that's all we use him for and its a waste. Unless he starts pulling his weight with the bat, he's a liability.

- Is our batting lineup too long? It's a funny thing to say but we've got these guys who CAN bat but hardly ever get the chance. So when they come out to bat the first thing they do is go to their bowling mark before sheepishly remembering what they're there to do.

- So maybe its time to throw in another bowler and let the likes of Roloef and Botha show what they can do.

- And don't be afraid to throw them up the order. Pinch hitters have gone out of fashion for some reason but our innings was crying out for some risk taking. A quick and funny looking 20 off 10 balls from Roloef might have done the trick.

- Stop chasing in pressure games (if we can help it). In normal conditions we are great chasers. In tournaments we mess it up time and time again. SA Cricket Blog

- Chins up boys, we've got a long season ahead.

Bowled from a wide

Now I've seen everything. In the last over of Pakistan's dismal innings against Australia, Misbah ul-Haq jumped back into his crease as the ball was delivered. The delivery was very wide down the off side and Misbah made no move to play at it. What he did instead was to take another step back...onto his stumps.

Wide. And Out.

You really do never know what you're going to see when you sit down to watch Pakistan play cricket.

Ouch

Why oh why can we not throw caution to the wind a bit earlier? Today I saw Sri Lanka facing a similar deficit and they took their power play after around 30 overs. They absolutely destroyed NZ in those 5 overs and brought themselves back into the game.

I don't think we should have taken in that early. I also realize that going for it too early can be just as much of a mistake. But we had so many wickets in hand. Why not have a little gamble (maybe Rolly in when Duminy went out), which would have made life easier if it paid off and wouldn't have done much damage if it had failed.

Collingwood: The undroppable man

Paul Collingwood's last 20 ODI scores:

34, 14, 14, 19, 2, 1, 22, 40, 69, 1, 6, 35*, 47*, 23, 9, 23, 56, 28, 13*, 46

Paul's greatest asset is to save his ass from the chop. Whenever the axe looms he seems to get a good score (seldom a "great" score, mind you) that makes everyone think "hmmm, maybe a spell of good form is just around the corner". Only it isn't. Just another run of crap scores until he needs to save his bacon once again.

To be fair, its more down to the lack of batting options than anything else. He's often made to look better but the even more abject failure of teammates. But how long is he going to continue to fly under the radar?

That said, his knock was really good tonight and I feel a spell of good form might just be around the corner for him.

Cat amongst the pigeons

Group B just got very interesting. Fair dues to England, conditions were in their favour early on and they took advantage in a big way. Sri Lanka were a fast bowler short and England batted with a surprising amount of, dare I say it, belief.

The group is now wide open but I still expect SA to do the business on Sunday. If we lose to England then we deserve to go out.

West Indies = strength in depth

47-7

They shouldn't be there with that team.