England with the upper hand

Australia have just declared (also known as throwing in the towel) and England will be thrilled with the situation they find themselves in. The Aussies, having gorged themselves on runs, will now be slow and lazy in the field. While the English, who wisely saved energy by not taking too many wickets (the walk to the huddle really takes it out of you), will be perfectly primed for some all action batting.

You're Only Singing When You're Winning, You're Only Winning When It's Swinging

Jimmy Anderson is an excellent swing bowler. Stuart Broad is a good swing bowler. The difficulty is that new ball swing only lasts for 10 - 15 overs tops. Reverse swing, when it happens, comes into effect when the ball is 65 - 70 overs old.

This means that on a good bowling day, batsmen only need to be watchful for 30 overs in total. The other 60 overs of the days play is like a bonus stage on Mario Brothers, with runs on offer instead of gold coins.

Class batsmen are capable of surviving the danger periods of a test match. Even tail enders are looking pretty handy with the willow these days.

Surfaces are also becoming browner, flatter and more even. When was the last time you remember a pitch report on day one with your local pundit tossing around phrases like "green mamba" and advising the side winning the toss to bowl first?

Now we could make this post all about broadcasters, advertising revenue etc, but we'd rather come back to the Ashes.

When Jimmy Anderson swung it he looked class. 20 overs later, he looked less class because the ball was slightly older. The same goes for Mitchell Johnson.

The rapidly spreading epidemic of batter friendly feather beds being passed as cricket pitches his puts 2 things into perspective:

1. How good was that Siddle inswinger to clean bowl Matt Prior with an older ball?
2. In a world of inflated averages and easier batting conditions, how crap is Mike "Mr Can't Play Cricket Very Well" Hussey?

Ben Hilfenhaus = Thom Yorke

I googled those two names, expecting to find thousands of pages on the startling similarities between the two guys. But I found nothing. Not a thesis. Not a news article. Not even a blog post.

Well to hell with that! I'll gladly throw the first stone.

Thom Yorke - a few years - a few odd angles = Ben Hilfenhaus

If you don't know who Thom Yorke is, shame on you. If you don't know who Ben Hilfenhaus is...that's fair enough.

Prediction competitors

As the Aussies build up a solid foundation in their first innings, I thought I should mention the blogs that were brave enough to want to pad up against Roscoe and Darren.

Well Pitched
The Fly Slip
Cricket With Balls
Different Shades Of Green

The last two blogs start on -1, due to being a bit late on entering. It's my fault though. I should have done this last week instead of the eve of the bloody series.

I'll post their individual predictions in the coming days, and I'd like to invite non blog authors to leave their own predictions in the comments section. At a -1 penalty of course :-)

Brief day 1 thoughts

- I would rather be England at this stage. If they can squeeze out another 50 runs then they're in the pole position.

- Its already turning on day 1. Australia were dire against South Africa's spinners and will need to up that side of their game to get out of this test with anything.

- I thought Hashim Amla was probably the number 3 batsman to most struggle with the short ball...until I saw Bopara. Wow, he looked like he had never received a bounce above waist height in his life.

- KP's dismissal was probably one of the worst test match shots I've ever seen. I'd feel embarrassed playing that in my backyard.

Hawkeye is class

After watching Sean William Scott's epic Wimbledon final against Roger Federer on Sunday, it was well worth a pause for thought to consider how well the sport of Tennis has embraced hawkeye. It doesn't take that long to make the correct calls and it engages the audience, both at the venue and on television.

The old argument from commentators is that Hawkeye isn't 100% accurate. That may be the case, but it's a fuckload more accurate than the human eye.

The ICC have been wanking about with the rules for Hawkeye and how it can be implemented. So far they've allowed the technology to determine whether the ball has pitched outside leg stump and / or hit the batsman in line.

You don't need anything other than a slow-mo replay to tell that. 

When it comes to referrals, we think that the full potential of Hawkeye should be used, even if it shows that the ball is projected to only clip the left bollock of the off-bail. You're out.

Take a tip from tennis.

Ashes predictions

We invited a number of other cricket blogs to participate, however we only got to sending out the emails on Monday night (we need an intern or something), so we haven't had many responses. I'll give it a few more hours, to see if there are any late comers, before mentioning the other blogs and their predictions.

But for now, here's what I think:

THE FORMALITIES

Most Runs Overall - Katich (15pts)
Most Runs England - Strauss (10)
Most Runs Australia - Katich (10)
Most Wickets Overall - Johnson (15)
Most Wickets England - Anderson (10)
Most Wickets Australia - Johnson (10)
Best Tosser (captain who wins the most tosses) - Ponting (5)
Man of the Series - Johnson (10)
1st Test Result - Eng win (10)
2nd Test Result - Aus win (10)
3rd Test Result - Aus win (10)
4th Test Result - Aus win (10)
5th Test Result - Eng win (10)
Overall series result - 2-3 (15)

THE TRIVIALITIES

Number of Tests that lose overs to rain (note, not bad light) - 2 (5)
Number of Tests that Flintoff will be able to manage - 5 (5)
Number of Tests won by an innings - 1 (5)
Number of Tests played by McDonald - 0 (5)
Number of Tests played by Lee - 3 (5)


And here's what Roscoe thinks:

THE FORMALITIES

Most Runs Overall - Michael Clarke
Most Runs England - Kevin Pietersen
Most Runs Australia - Michael Clarke
Most Wickets Overall - Mitchell Johnson
Most Wickets England - Onions
Most Wickets Australia - Mitchell Johnson
Best Tosser (captain who wins the most tosses) - Punter
Man of the Series - Mitchell Johnson
1st Test Result - Draw
2nd Test Result - Aus win
3rd Test Result - Aus win
4th Test Result - Aus win
5th Test Result - Aus win
Overall series result - Australia 4 - 0

THE TRIVIALITIES

Number of Tests that lose overs to rain (note, not bad light) - 1
Number of Tests that Flintoff will be able to manage - 4
Number of Tests won by an innings - 3
Number of Tests played by McDonald - 1
Number of Tests played by Lee - 3

The Ashes

Tomorrow kicks off The Ashes. I've got to admit, a week ago I thought the Ashes was a backyard cricket tournament sponsored by Mohammad Ashraful. But, I've been reliably informed that, in actual fact, The Ashes is a pretty important series between England and Australia. This time around Australia are in the worst shape that they've been in since David Boon was turning 3's into quick singles. And England...well they're still pretty awful.

So, one has to ask, are these new ashes created by burning a wooden spoon?

Whatever your stance on the strength of both nations, its always great to see them going toe to toe. Yesterday's amazing collapse by Pakistan, at the hands of Sri Lanka, has definitely whetted the appetite for some real cricket.

Tomorrow Roscoe and I will be posting some predictions, and then we'll be posting a months worth of excuses as to why we got things so very wrong.

Stumping - the poor man's run out

Let's get something straight - stumping is not illegal. But it is immoral.

When the noble batsman strides down the wicket, its for one reason only: To rock our socks off. Seeing a batsman say, "Hey, you. You, bowler. You've run at me all day and I've taken it like a man. But now, you cowardly fiend, now I'm going to run at you," is surely one of the most electrifying things that can happen on a cricket field...that don't include actual electricity.

How do we repay the batsman for this unrivaled entertainment? We send him packing, if he has the audacity to miss the ball. Even if the delivery is wide, we'll still send him on his way. Two wrongs don't make a right, Mr and Mrs ICC.

Most vile of all is that people love it. Everyone loses their shit the moment a keeper knocks off the bails. Way to go, hero, you've just gone through the exact same motion you would have done if he had left the ball go through outside off stump. Wow, what a great accomplishment. The batsman was probably only out of his crease by a toenail, you damn unforgiving bastard.

He wasn't going anywhere, you creep. He just wanted to bring a bit of electricity to our otherwise dreary lives.

Keeper, I hope you die. I hope you stump the wickets so hard the bail flies up and crushes your jugular. I hope you fall to the ground gasping for air and the last thing you see, before going to Hell, is a big "NOT OUT" emblazoned on the scoreboard.

Archie Vaughan gets surprise call up

By now we've all heard the story of Michael Vaughan's three year old son, Archie, who was the last of many to knock over his dad's off stump. Well, the story doesn't end with Michael's retirement. In fact, it's just beginning.

Below is an excerpt from England selector Geoff Miller's startling press release:

Earlier today, after much discussion with the other selectors, who have come to the decision to call up Archie Vaughan, into the test squad for the forthcoming Ashes. It is true that Archie is a bit wet behind the ears, and it is also true that none of us have seen him bowl. But I am I strong believer in the saying, "where there is smoke there is fire".

In light of Michael's comments about his sons bowling prowess, we're willing to take a gamble on the kid. Granted, when we called up that Australian roofer last year it went a little tits up, but Archie is a completely different slice of toast. He comes from good stock and I'm sure he'll prove his worth before the series concludes.

When asked if Archie's age is of any concern, Miller added:

If you're good enough, you're old enough. We're just lucky that Archie hasn't started to attend school yet. Why? Because then we'd have a scheduling conflict to deal with. Sorry, but that was a stupid question.

And the groundsman of the year is...

Yup, Cricket South Africa brought a bit of glitz and glamour to our beloved sport last night, in the form of their annual awards.

They actually do give out an award to best groundsman, as well as best umpire and best scorers association. How do you even get to be best scorer? Or more to the point, how many mistakes is the worst scorer's association making?

Another "huh?" award is the KFC Taste The Action Performance of the year. I would have thought Smith would be a shoo-in for any award named after a fast food, but JP Duminy bagged that particular "honour". No matter how great the performance, I'm not entirely sure I would ever want to be able to taste it.

Smith did however manage to grab the fittingly big awards - Cricketer Of The Year and Test Cricket Of The Year. I still would have gone with AB for the former, but I have no major complaints.

AB managed to grab ODI Player Of The Year and the Fans' Player Of The Year.

Duminy got T20 Player Of The Year and Roelof landed Newcomer Of The Year.

Lastly, Justin Ontong received Justin Ontong's Player Of The Year.

Full list of winners here

Michael Vaughan Retires, Planet Mourns.

It's like Michael Jackson died again. People are openly weeping in the streets and streaming YouTube clips of Michael Vaughan.

Not.

I like Michael Vaughan. You have to like anyone who kinda looks like Matthew Bellamy. You've also gotta like someone who captained his national team to a test series victory over arguably the greatest side of all time.

Vaughan apparently decided to call it a day after his 3-year-old son bowled a good length ball that hit a weed, nipped away and took out his off stump in his back garden.

In the wake of his retirement, the word "great" is being bandied around a lot. Donald Bradman was great. Steve Waugh was great. Michael Vaughan will go down in the rich annals of cricketing history is being "alright". That's 5 categories below "great" and 3 categories above "pants."

The Ashes triumph of 2005 was a great achievement, but the conquering of cricket's mount Everest was sullied by many a stumble over the tiniest hillock.

I will miss Michael Vaughan completely forgetting where his off stump is, and flapping around until he nicks one to the slips.

Oh as far as the picture is concerned, I did a Google image search for "Michael Vaughan" and I found this one with the caption "Michael Vaughan, model train enthusiast"

CSA newcomer of the year

Okay, how about this category?

The nominees are...

Roelof van der Merwe
Wayne Parnell
Lonwabo Tsotsobe

Firstly, Tsotsobe? Really? A cracking debut ODI but you can't hand out an award for one bloody game.

As far as I'm concerned, its a dead rubber between the other two. I think Rolly should just about edge it. If for no other reason than the laughs that come with his batting.

Fletcher backs Vaughan

"Hey Michael, did you see this headline?"
"No, what's it say?"
"Fletcher backs Vaughan..."
"Cor blimey, that's tip top that is."
"...in decision to quit."
"..."
"Are you trying to kick that pillow? It's hard to tell with your knee not bending anymore."

SA player of the year

I don't know whats more remarkable - the fact that each one of the 5 nominees has a really strong shout for the award, or the fact that none of the nominees is Jacques Kallis.

It's hard to make a call without knowing exactly when the review period begins and ends (because its definitely not just the calendar year), but since when have I ever let "not knowing all the facts" hold me back.

Duminy was a bit too late to the party, only getting his first test in Oz.

Prince averages 100 over the last 12 months but injuries and Duminy meant he only played in 7 games. Plus he didn't play any ODI or T20's.

Steyn drastically improved his ODI and T20 bowling but had a poor test series against England (by his standards).

Smith kicked ass in tests, even more so if you remove the effect of his broken fingers on his average. His claiming victories in England and Australia is also really impressive. But his form in the other codes was also a little lacking.

Which leaves the guy I would go for...Justin Ontong! I mean...AB De Villiers! The guy has come of age and is pivotal to all 3 forms of the game.

The official awards will be handed out on Tuesday night.

The day/night test

It seems the ICC are still moving forward with plans to HOLY CRAP MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD introduce day/night test matches sooner rather than later. I'm sure this would get a few more bums in seats, but weekend attendances are also pretty poor in most countries, and I really don't think the novelty of watching test cricket at night will last very long. Personally, it just feels weird imagining test cricket at night. Even weirder if you imagine the players using crocodiles as bats, although that's neither here nor there.

The bigger issue is that it totally changes the balance of the game. I'm actually all for a referral system, but day/night cricket would be a HUGE step. A HUGE step into a pile of shit, which was concealing a bear trap.

Gilly said it best, innovate with the other forms of the game but leave the fundamentals of test cricket alone.

West Indies - 2010

So, did I hear this right? The next T20 World Cup is in 2010? Seriously?!?!

It took 4 or 5 centuries of bat on ball before we got the inaugural T20 World Cup. Then, 2 years later, we got the second T20 World Cup. Now, 1 year later, we'll get the third.

Can anyone else see a problem here? With this current rate of expansion, it won't be long before one T20 World Cup ends and the next day the next World Cup begins?. This is madness. This is pure folly. This is...what's that you say? After the 3rd World Cup it goes back to every 3 years?

Then whats the point of the...why are they...ARGH STOP FUCKING WITH OUR MINDS ICC!

In all seriousness, every 2 years is right on the money. It'd be great if the IPL was also every 2 years (alternating with the WC). It's a fun version of the game but it won't remain that way if we get greedy and gorge ourselves on it.

Personally, I can't wait for the ashes to start. It feels like a lifetime since I've seen good hard fought test cricket.

Punter likes what he sees

The Ashes are almost upon us, and Aussie captain Ricky Ponting felt the need to talk up his lanky, former #1, paceman.

And Ponting, speaking at Hove on Monday, said of Lee: "He's looking good at the moment. He's trained harder than I've ever seen him train before in the last couple of weeks, whether it would be with his bowling or in the gym or all the extra stuff he's been doing.

"Anyone that lays eyes on him can see how good a physical shape he is in.

Ponting then added, "I've convinced management to let him room with me. I'm going to light a few candles, lay down some rose petals and see if I can get an even closer look at that incredible physique."

The bigger man (not a post about Smith)

Not that long ago I called Pakistan and Sri Lanka's group the "Group of Dearth". I mocked the talents of that group and now that both teams have made the final, I have no choice but to be the bigger man here and admit that in no way are my wrong predictions my fault.

They were solid predictions. Nay, more than solid - they were mercurial. The way you can tell a prediction is mercurial is that even when wrong, the prediction is still considered good.

Besides, even the Cricket365 gurus got it horribly wrong in pretty much every category.

w0w0w

Wowow indeed. One over gone and Mathews has already bowled 3 West Indian batsmen. Game over?

5 reasons why SA are not in the final

The cold light of day is hurting my eyes, so let's get this out of my system.

1 - Not getting Afridi out sooner. Without his innings, SA would probably have chased 130.

2 - Go crazy with the bat up front. Look, we knew the spinners were on form and going to cause problems on that pitch. We also knew Gul was incredibly tough to get away at the death. So, surely, we needed around 60 runs from those first 6 overs? If ever there was a time for a pinch hitter, when Smith went out, this was it.

3 - Duminy and Kallis put their foot on the gas a couple overs too late. Look, it was a tough situation. They didn't want to expose a new batsman to those difficult batting conditions, but whats the use of having a long tail if you don't use it? Replace "tail" with "penis" and the same lesson applies.

4 - Justin Ontong didn't play. He would have got 4-20 and a 50, you know its true.

5 - We lost.

Nope, still nearly men

Guess the balls are on my chin tonight.

In one of my first posts on this blog, I said that momentum was meaningless and that "At the end of the day the only thing that matters is winning the games you can't afford to lose."

South Africa tends to come up short on that one quite a bit. I don't think the "choker" tag is very fair but they certainly are a long way from being "swallowers".

Congrats to Pakistan, who bowled exceptionally well.

So whose gonna win it now?

Smith: We're no longer nearly men

So says the headline on Cricket365.

Look out Pakistan. They're all the way men now. They're going to smash your balls, catch your balls and then rest their balls on the chins of your wives.

Why? Because they're men, dammit. All the way men.

Justin Ontong tour diary

Supersport may have AB De Villiers but the Commentary Position has Justin "I'm not Robin Peterson" Ontong.

May 29

Squad arrives in England. Mickey tells me that I'm rooming with Kallis and Bouch. When I tell him that there are only 2 beds, he tells me not to worry as Kallis and Bouch share a bed. They're not gay. They're just really good friends.

May 30

First training session. Mickey says I don't need to bother having a net as he's sure I'm in great nick. When he sees me bowling a few deliveries he asks me to load balls into the bowling machine instead. I was feeling a bit down but then I saw Robin Peterson was tasked with wiping the sweat off Graeme Smith's brow and nether regions, so I don't feel so bad.

June 1

First warm up game against Pakistan today. Unfortunately I didn't get any game time. We were allowed to name a 13 man team but Mickey said that that would just be too confusing. He's right.


June 2

Despite being two men short, we clobbered the Pakis yesterday. Mickey said I carried the drinks like a pro. Robbie and I get the day off to go to the zoo. Nice to have a break from the daily grind but Yusuf isn't so lucky. He was going to join us but Dale needed a full body massage and thinks Yusuf has exotic and magical fingers.

June 3

Second warm up game today. I'm looking forward to some game time, along with the other lads that had to sit out against Pakistan.

June 4

The good news is that we won. The bad news is that Mickey picked the same 11 players. Robbie, Yusuf and Morne convinced me to go have a word with the skipper about our lack of game time. Graeme was having his usual McDonalds lunch, so I didn't want to go straight up and disturb him. I asked Bouch to see if Graeme had time to talk to me, but when he returned he claimed Graeme had said, "Justin who?"

Mickey says I'm special but on days like today its hard to feel like it.


God, that was riveting. I'll bring more exclusive entries later in the week.

England out to the rain?

Is that fair on the Windies or an accurate statement? That Duckworth calculation did seem a bit dodgy but England didn't set that great a score and really should have chosen to field after winning the toss.

One things for sure, England won't be winning many T20 games with no bigger hitters in their middle order. What exactly does Collingwood bring to the team, other than the opportunity for ginger jokes? I know Flintoff was missing but it was absolutely bizarre seeing England managing just 2 boundaries in the final 8 overs, and the big hitting Mascheranas sitting forlornly on the bench.

The secret to SA's success revealed

No, its not the long batting order or the fantastic bowling variety currently in the team. Its not the top notch fielding nor the mix of youth and experience. No, the real reason is that SA are ass kissing their way to the top.

Before the Windies match, coach Mickey Arthur said that the Windies were a "dangerous team". SA won.

Leading up to the England clash, skipper Graeme Smith told reporters:

"England have got some class players, and will obviously have home support, so that's a great challenge for us."

SA won.

Before the New Zealand match, Graeme Smith said:

"Everyone contributes in their team, they are well led and on their day they can pretty much challenge everybody and beat everybody.

Before asking for directions to the nearest McDonalds. Oh, and then SA won.

Even against bloody Scotland, Smith had this to say:

"We saw last night how unpredictable this game can be, and we will be making sure we play to our potential."

SA crushed the poor Scots.

Its clear* that SA are intent on stroking the confidence of the other teams and then ruthlessly bringing them back down to earth on the field.

* It's not clear at all. I'm talking shite once again.

World chumps out

I was a bit torn on that result. Sure, it means SA are through to the semi finals, but it also means my pre tournament predictions are in the shitter. Ah, screw it, I'm well used to be wrong. Wooohooo!

What have I done?

This morning I was sleepily watching the news, while still tucked under my Jonty Rhodes themed bedspread, when I heard something about the people of Bangladesh rising up as one to crucify their captain Mohammad Ashraful. It seems that I'm not the only one tired of their useless displays. Now the Bangladeshi people are also fed up of switching on their TV sets to tune in to their heroes at the latest cricketing tournament, only to see the Bangladesh players walking with their heads hung in shame from the cricketing field to the plane bringing them home.

Because I'm a bit of an egomaniac, I figured my post from last week must have put been the catalyst, and felt genuinely guilty.

That was until I read the report.

About a dozen furious supporters rallied at Dhaka airport, carrying placards and chanting "resign, resign" at Ashraful, who apologised for Bangladesh's failure.

A dozen? Oh come on! Tell me there was at least an effigy or two?

Hey Queen Woman

Jacques you sexy hygenic beast!







Sir Gary Sobers
Test Batting average: 57.78
Test Runs: 8032
Wickets: 235
Bowling Average: 34.03
Catches: 109
Sum total of his career: Knighted

Sir Ian Botham
Test Batting Average: 33.54
Test Runs: 5200
Test Wickets: 383
Bowling Average: 28.40
Catches:120
Sum total of his career: Knighted in 2007


Normal Person Jacques Kallis
Batting Average: 54.66
Test Runs:10 277
Test Wickets: 258
Bowling Average: 31.08
Catches: 148
Sum total of his career: Got to do a bunch of skincare commercials

We expect a knighthood for Sir Sanex after he’s done. Thanks Queen.

Sub Continent Commentators

Will someone....anyone in a position of authority please tell commentators from the sub continent to stop pronouncing “V's” as “W's” and vice versa (or “wice wersa”).

This has been getting on my tits for years now and it's time for a fucking intervention, or a workshop or something. It's not AB de “Williers”, it's “Villiers”. It's Chaminda “Vaas”, not Chaminda “Waas”

Get it right, you bunch of waginas.