Bloody South Africans

It was a thrilling end to classic old school (ie, a bit boring) test match. South Africans blunted the attack of South Africans while South Africans watched on in dismay. Fortunately, when those annoying South Africans got out, England did one of their trademark collapses. The stunning comeback was foiled by Graham Onions who blocked out Ntini's final over despite a crowd of thousands around the bat. I would have thought that Onions would have realized that the storybook nature of sport required that Ntini, in his 100th test match, get the match winning wicket off the final ball.

So, we basically failed to win because of South Africans and Onions not watching enough sports films.

At this point I should apologize to Friedel De Wet. I won't, but I probably should.

For he bowled really well in the second innings and has rightfully added his name to the mix of half a dozen fast bowlers in contention for a test spot. I think I'd still drop him when Styen is fit again, but Morne and especially Ntini didn't exactly set the world alight.

Both sides should be stronger for the Boxing Day test. I would say South Africa have the upper hand but after the ding dong nature of the tour so far its hard to guess which England and which South Africa will show up.

Day 1 - Trying not to lose

I was aghast at seeing Friedel de Wet in the starting 11 this morning. And I never get aghast! I hope he's been magical in the nets - I'm talking bowling deliveries that blink out to another dimension as the batsman looks set to play his shot, only to then reappear INSIDE the middle stump - because the only other possible reason for his selection is that he blew the entire team and coaching staff.

With Friedel in the side, Kallis not able to bowl, a long tail and the team having not played test cricket since the start of the year, one would have thought England would really want to nail home a 1-0 lead.

Instead they also chose only 4 bowlers, which is even more of a puzzler considering the batting qualities of Broad, Prior and Swann.

Thanks to Kallis (You're welcome, Anon) SA have a good foundation to build on, but the draw is still looking like the most likely destination. I guess both teams would be thrilled with that.

1st Test

I have to admit - I'm more than a little nervous. Looks like SA are going to go in with just 4 bowlers. 3 pacemen. 1 of whom has been carrying an injury.

Sure, Duminy can help out but if even one of those 3 seamers has a poor test or even worse, pulls up injured, we are well and truly fucked.

Our top 6 (okay fine, Bouch, top 7) is as strong as we could hope for but we've still got quite a weak tail.

On the other hand, English are rubbish so I predict an easy win.

*cough*

From the mailbag

Today someone left this charming comment in response to my previous update.

Nice call, Darren. I sold my house, my car, and most of my pornos. I went the the Tab and put it all on an Saffer win. My family in tow, holding luggage stuffed with money and jewellery. I even got them to accept the luggage in lieu of cash. The guy asked me "are you sure?" I nodded eagerly, dreaming of the riches on offer on the other side of the punt. My family watched the rain from outside a tv shop with only newspapers to shield our named bodies form the cold. My little one, Sachin sadly died because of exposure, but that was ok. We would get a new baby delivered to our mansion within a week. I watched events unfold. The rain on the 90 inch HD tv screen in the shop window was even colder than the rain pelting down on Sachin's lifeless cold little body lying in the gutter. When the match was a no-result, I knew my life has become a no-result as well. I bought a gun, and I'm holding it to my head as I type this. Hopefully one day soon I'll be able to afford bullets. Fuck you, Darren. Fuck you Commentary Position. I hope you're happy now.

Dear anonymous, when life hands you lemons...go double or nothing. If I may be so bold - Jacques Kallis hundred in the first test.

5th ODI - Thrill of the fight

Sell everything you own and put that money on a HUGE South Africa win in tonight's final ODI match against England. I have such faith in the outcome that I'm even willing to risk your future financial security.

You see, it dawned on me that both sides have clearly been studying Rocky films, where the linguistically challenged boxer would swing a hay-maker for every punch, never offer anything in the way of defense and most crucially, would alternate between getting the shit kicked out of him and then wiping the floor with his opponent.

SA got slapped around last Sunday but we're heading into the final round. The strains of Eye of the Tiger are building. We all know where this is heading.

Take it to the bank. Thank me later.

Kallis Bowls Maiden Over

I was perusing the FHM 2010 calendar when my eyes were drawn away from breasts to the only thing that has the power to do so - the word "Kallis".

As it turns out, Miss January is Shamone Jardim, who is most famous for being the lucky girl that gets to snuggle up to Jacques on nights when Mark Boucher isn't available.

Accompanying her half naked photo was a brief interview and when asked if she had ever batted against Kallis, this is what she said.

I have! I once faced him in backyard cricket at a braai. He decided to bowl full pace at me with a tennis ball. He hit me on my toe. I dropped like a stone!*

This is why we need Jacques back in the team ASAP. If he's not even going to take his foot off the pedal for his model girlfriend then he's certainly not going to give anything less than 100% for The Proteas.

* It was hitting middle and off, as if you needed to ask.